April 21st 2012 1:23 PM SATURDAY
Worked out sooo hard last night! Felt really good. Got in 4 hours. I had eaten around 1190 calories for the day but when I came home I really wanted a glass of wine so I ended up a little more than 1400 calories though I weighed myself before the wine and I came out to 115.3 pounds. Woke up at 115.1 pounds :) Some of it might be water weight though from sweating so much. Either way I’m proud of myself!
Today is my first re-feed. The main thing I cannot do is relapse after this day. I have to take the treats as TREATS and not as an invitation to start eating unhealthy or binging again. This will be the first test of my self-control! So far I’m doing pretty good. I decided that today won’t be an all-out cheat day, just some more complex carbohydrates and maybe a treat or two. So for breakfast I threw in a sweet potato and a fourth of a red bean paste bun with my eggs and fiber cereal with protein powder, and for lunch I ate whole grain crackers with smoked salmon and light whipped cream cheese and half of a slice of cheesecake for dessert! :) Yum. Except now I’m feeling a little too full. I think I’ll go shopping to walk around and work some of it off and maybe buy some cute things for motivation. I think I’m done with the treats for today. I’ll have a complex carb, high-protein dinner around 5:30 and I’ll be done with the calories for today! I’ll check in later!
So…………I just purged. I know, I know.
…I’m not going to try and justify what happened, because there is no justification. Instead, I’ll tell you what happened. So me and my mom helped my brother move out of our house today… When we got back, we celebrated by drinking wine and eating bbq. I ended up eating a lot, which was fine because it was all healthy. But once I got to my room… I ended up eating all of the rest of the cookies I had from wednesday. Which is a lot. I ended up making myself throw up….a lot. I’m not sure if I got all of the cookies out, but I ended up throwing up a lot of the vegetables and meat I ate for dinner…so hopefully at least for the effort I got the cookies I ate too. I’m just….it’s….I’m not going to linger. I know I fucked up. But this is to be expected….tomorrow I will fast for my mistakes today. I shouldn’t have terrible food so readily available when I am by myself. It just creates problems. Don’t make things harder than they have to be. I don’t have to prove my self-control to myself. Resisting the temptation without having secret piles of cookies is enough. So the lesson learned from this is to NOT STORE JUNK FOOD. That is a bulimic trait that I am to LET GO. So you binged, and you purged tonight. Let it go. Tomorrow will be better. Don’t relapse, don’t return to your old ways thinking this is the only way you can be. Recover, and progress.
On a good note, I went to UO today and bought some cuuuuuute ass clothes. Motivation? I think yes. You have more than enough motivating you. SO MUCH. Your passion, your family, your friends, your clothes…the list goes ON. The petty shit that temporarily brings you down? Huh? What are we talking about again?