Diamondintherough

First test.

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 16:31:00 -0400

April 21st 2012 1:23 PM SATURDAY

Worked out sooo hard last night! Felt really good. Got in 4 hours. I had eaten around 1190 calories for the day but when I came home I really wanted a glass of wine so I ended up a little more than 1400 calories though I weighed myself before the wine and I came out to 115.3 pounds. Woke up at 115.1 pounds :) Some of it might be water weight though from sweating so much. Either way I’m proud of myself!

Today is my first re-feed. The main thing I cannot do is relapse after this day. I have to take the treats as TREATS and not as an invitation to start eating unhealthy or binging again. This will be the first test of my self-control! So far I’m doing pretty good. I decided that today won’t be an all-out cheat day, just some more complex carbohydrates and maybe a treat or two. So for breakfast I threw in a sweet potato and a fourth of a red bean paste bun with my eggs and fiber cereal with protein powder, and for lunch I ate whole grain crackers with smoked salmon and light whipped cream cheese and half of a slice of cheesecake for dessert! :) Yum. Except now I’m feeling a little too full. I think I’ll go shopping to walk around and work some of it off and maybe buy some cute things for motivation. I think I’m done with the treats for today. I’ll have a complex carb, high-protein dinner around 5:30 and I’ll be done with the calories for today! I’ll check in later!

11:57 PM.

So…………I just purged. I know, I know.

…I’m not going to try and justify what happened, because there is no justification. Instead, I’ll tell you what happened. So me and my mom helped my brother move out of our house today… When we got back, we celebrated by drinking wine and eating bbq. I ended up eating a lot, which was fine because it was all healthy. But once I got to my room… I ended up eating all of the rest of the cookies I had from wednesday. Which is a lot. I ended up making myself throw up….a lot. I’m not sure if I got all of the cookies out, but I ended up throwing up a lot of the vegetables and meat I ate for dinner…so hopefully at least for the effort I got the cookies I ate too. I’m just….it’s….I’m not going to linger. I know I fucked up. But this is to be expected….tomorrow I will fast for my mistakes today. I shouldn’t have terrible food so readily available when I am by myself. It just creates problems. Don’t make things harder than they have to be. I don’t have to prove my self-control to myself. Resisting the temptation without having secret piles of cookies is enough. So the lesson learned from this is to NOT STORE JUNK FOOD. That is a bulimic trait that I am to LET GO. So you binged, and you purged tonight. Let it go. Tomorrow will be better. Don’t relapse, don’t return to your old ways thinking this is the only way you can be. Recover, and progress.

On a good note, I went to UO today and bought some cuuuuuute ass clothes. Motivation? I think yes. You have more than enough motivating you. SO MUCH. Your passion, your family, your friends, your clothes…the list goes ON. The petty shit that temporarily brings you down? Huh? What are we talking about again?

Consistency & Momentum.

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 12:24:00 -0400

April 20th 2012 8:43 AM FRIDAY

116.6 pounds :) I’m even happy with those .2 pounds. I feel different. My face feels tighter, there’s a tiny gap between my thighs, my stomach feels lighter. Yesterday (Thursday) I ate about 1257 calories: 49g fat, 86g carbs, 120g protein. A little more than the day before (Wednesday: 1201 calories: 55g fat, 75g carbs, 107g protein).

Tomorrow is my first re-feed day. After today, I will have gone only 4 days with less than 90g carbs and 1300 calories a day, so tomorrow I’ll aim for less than 140g of carbs and maybe a 1500 calorie limit.

In the future, I want to keep my re-feed days for after at least 6 days of dieting and my cheat-days after at least 13 days of dieting (until I get closer to my UGW and I’ll fuse my cheat days with my re-feed days), but since I want to make Saturday my free days, I will settle for a re-feed tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will have some brown rice for dinner, maybe some whole-grain bread or cereal with fruit in the morning, and maybe treat myself to one cookie. I will save my first cheat day for next Saturday (me and my bf’s 3year anniversary) but I won’t go overboard. In fact, most of those calories will be alcohol and the day after will definitely be a fasting day.

Excited for tonight ;) I’m off to school in a bit, I’ll update later.

The first step!

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 13:20:00 -0400

April 19th 2012 10:00 AM THURSDAY

On my 21st birthday, I spent the day enjoying myself without any regret. Sometimes, you have to live a little and stop taking yourself so seriously. Besides, you only get to turn 21 once :) I ate the cheesecake my mom bought for me, the cookies my friends brought, and of course what’s a 21st birthday without some booze. I swore to myself that I would fast the next day….and I did! I had one bowl of curry in the afternoon, but everyone makes mistakes. The rest of the day I drank water, green tea, and coffee. If I had wrote this entry on the day of, I’m pretty sure I would have had a different response, but I’m writing this day after, and I am feeling so good right now!! Cause well….

Yesterday I woke up at 118.8 pounds after my fasting day. And today, I woke up at 116.8 after a normal eating day!! :)

I’ve decided on a 1200 calorie limit for my average days, less than 100g carbs, and at least 100g of protein. I may have to get a fiber supplement. I am already taking acai berry, fish oil, and Hoodia Nopal Cactus. Plus lots of water, green tea, and coffee. I allowing myself 10% or less of my calories to be empty calories, so around 120 calories. If I do have cheat days, they will be limited to twice a month, and nothing over 2100 calories. I will have high-carb days or “re-feeds” every weekend with some complex carbohydrates so that my body doesn’t go into shock whenever it returns back to normal calories and carbs.

GREAT JOB SO FAR KEEP IT GOING! I’m so proud.

I WILL see this through to the end.

9:01 PM

Just a little update :) Got another client today. So happy! Just got back with my half hour with her. for 35$! Not too bad. Came back and took a hot bath, exfoliated, deep-conditioned my hair, and put on Jergen’s self-tanner. While I was taking my bath I realized I’m not as flexible as I used to be. I’m going to start stretching every day for at least 20 minutes. The best time would be right when I wake up.

My mom said my face was looking so much clearer! I can’t wait for it to be back to normal. I hate having to hide behind my hair when I get a bad pimple. No new pimples for the past 2 days…my body really is so reactive to the way I treat it. Which I can’t complain about, I just have to take heed to it! I’m about to stretch and do some hw.

New beginnings.

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 23:00:00 -0400

April 15th 2012 11:00 PM SUNDAY

Tonight is a pretty special night for me. It marks the last night I choose to be unhappy with myself. Tonight is the last night I live on autopilot. I don’t want to just go through the motions each day, unsatisfied with myself. I want to progress. I want to move forward. I want to create. I want to inspire. Instead of trying to get back to where I used to be, I want to create a future that I can be proud of. I want to unlock and exceed my full potential. And it all starts here. I’ve strayed so far away from who I was that I got lost and have been trying to find my way back ever since. But I’m done wandering aimlessly. I choose to get my head right, face the direction I want, and continuously move forward. And even when I trip and fall, I won’t linger or be disoriented, I will get up and keep moving forward.

Tonight is the eve of my 21st birthday. I am not where I want to be, and I promised myself that I would be. That is the last disappointment that I can take from myself. I don’t want to be the same person anymore. I know what I have to do, I just have to put my mind to it. I know what I’m capable of, I’m just making excuses for myself. I promise myself that I will do this and this promise can not be broken again. I refuse to continue in this cycle I’ve been going through any longer. No more running around in circles, it’s time to move forward and upward. Time to do the damn thing!

Tonight I did some things that I haven’t done for a long time. Things that are so trivial and basic that they shouldn’t be so special, but tonight it was. I took a hot bath, exfoliated, and shaved my legs and arms. I don’t know why I hadn’t done it in so long… maybe I was being lazy. I gave up on myself. I didn’t care about what I looked like anymore because I had gained so much weight and didn’t feel beautiful anyways. I am beautiful. I have to stop telling myself such negative things. I need to start affirming the positive things. If you keep telling yourself something, eventually it becomes true. I really believe this. I told myself that I was bulimic before I even had the disease just because I made myself throw up once or twice in my life, and then I ended up bulimic. And that’s just one example.

But all that is history. I will reach my goals. I will feel beautiful. I will be happy with myself. I will be the person that I want to be. That is now.

Only 52 minutes now….I’m stepping into the new me. I can’t wait. Go-time. :)